47. Virgil the Guide (chap. 3)-Eric




• We shook hands. Virgil turned the stereo down to a comfortable volume. After he did that people started frowning. Most of them looked put off and they slowly gathered themselves up and left the room. A few people stayed, waiting for Nathan to talk.
  
  "Don't just stand there, make yourself a drink," he said to me, pointing to the bar cabinet.
  
  Virgil made us Gin and Tonics. He slid mine across the bar.
  
  "Come, sit down."
  
  He waved us over and we sat on a warmed bean bag.
  
  "So, Justin, how are you liking it here so far?"
  
  "I don't know. I guess it's not what I expected. Really, I would like to go home. I've some things to tend to. And, you're not...him are you?"
  
  He smiled again.
  
  "No, he's busy right now. I'm the usher. What I would like you to do is tell me a little about yourself."
  
  "Well, I'm an accountant. I live in New York. I have a beautiful girlfriend-"
  
  "Stop, stop. I want to know about your sins. The ones you feel the most guilty about."
  
  "I...well, let's see."
  
  "Maybe you should drink a few more."
  
  Virgil cheered glasses with me, and we gulped our drinks down within seconds. I looked at my empty glass and it started refilling itself. I gulped it down again. By the fourth drink I was ready to confess.
  
  "Well when I was thirteen I..."
  
  This went on for several hours, the few people that remained listened intently. Nathaniel would nod from time to time. Eventually, the room started spinning. I stood up wobbling. I pointed my finger at Nathaniel.
  
  I wanted to say 'just where do you get off asking me all these personal questions', but it probably came out something like this-juth wher d'yaget off athking mmm kestions?
  
  The more I drank, the more comical the people around me appeared. The person next to me was short and stout, and wore a feathered hat. I stood up, laughing and pointing at him. I called him a dwarf. I told Virgil he looked like a defrocked priest turned used car salseman. The dwarf stood up and knocked me across the face. I tumbled down. When I finally got enough balance to stand up I took a stool to him. And to Nathaniel. Everything went black.
  
  I woke up in the cornfield. A moist wet towel was on my forehead. Virgil's face came in and out of focus.
  
  "You sure pulled a number in there. Thanks to you I'm not even allowed in there anymore. Satan kicked us out." he said.
  
  My head was pounding. Every word I spoke throbbed in my temples. I managed to say, "I thought he was Satan's Usher?"
  
  "No, he just tells people that. Makes them more comfortable. Anyway, he said he's never seen anyon behave so beligerently in all his years. He said to cut you off and black-list you."
  
  Virgil shook his head.
  
  "The Devil kicked me out of Hell because I drank too much?"
  
  Virgil rolled his eyes in the back of his head.
  
  "You proud of yourself? Come on Justin, lets go, before the dogs gets here."
  
  "The dogs?"