18. Perfect Date - Eric

• FADE IN


• INT. CAR-DAY


• Four people sit in a small Hover sedan, cruising above an old, sunny, green countryside road.


• CHASSIE
• I don't know. I'm worried. What if they turn out to be killer androids or something? Like in that old movie with Will Smith.


• GLEN
• Chassie.


• CHASSIE
• Yes?


• GLEN
• For the love of God, stop reading Phillip K Dick. I liked it better when you were reading David Sedaris and that guy who wrote Fight Club.


• Jake and Graham snicker.


• CHASSIE
• Oh, and you're not the least bit scared?


• GLEN
• Scared? I'm more scared that we're going to be bar hoping and clubbing for the rest of our lives. Eternally bitching about all of our relationships. Everything's going to be fine. We'll be getting the perfect match for us.


• Jake, the front passenger lights a joint.


• JAKE
• It's not scary. But they're droids, dude. Were CBL's. Carbon based life forms. They're not real no matter how you slice it. Plus, what's going to happen between the sheets?


• GLEN
• No, no. You're looking at it all wrong, man. It's a good thing for you. She won't even be able to tell how bad the sex is. Look guys, this isn't just some lark. This is the real deal. I've been talking to the staff there for weeks. They're going to be perfect for us. And don't worry, Chassie. They even have lezbots, and they're into all your dark, twisted, artsy shit. Even your depressing music.
• 
  
• CHASSIE
• Piss off.


• GRAHAM
• You took out your 401 K plan early for this. You threw in all your chips. What if it doesn't work out? We're going to be dating robots for God's sake.


• GLEN
• You're too pessimistic. And I know why. And I can tell you this-your bot's going to have way more personality than Carrie. Forget about her man. This bot won't be an Economics major or an investment banker. She'll be everything you want her to be.


• GRAHAM
• First of all, that sounds kind of boring. I mean $15,000 is a lot of money to throw into a one-shot deal. And what about the maintenance fees? Doesn't seem like a sound investment to me.


• GLEN
• No. It's not a one-shot deal. What happens is you tell the technician what kinds of things you want. You even pick out the quirks and pet peeves. They make several prototypes. You get to take all of them out on dates. When you think you found the right one, voilla. They take her and fine-tune her. Maintenance is covered for the first ten years too.


• The barkeep is losing it. He is shaking and nervously glancing around the room. Finally, his face softens and he slowly gains composure.


• JAKE
• In Chassie's case that means they'll give her droid some boots and a short, super-dyke haircut right?


• CHASSIE
• You're just jealous because your last girlfriend liked me more than you.


• JAKE
• She only liked you more because she was bipolar.


• CHASSIE
• She wasn't bipolar. She was Godzilla-polar. And she had some decent meds, I might add. She probably doubled her doses when she was with you.


• GRAHAM
• Something about it just doesn't feel right. For example, let's say Chassie gets a gorgeous looking bot. So? It's not real. They're just programmed. They're only going to be pretending to do things without really having a soul in it. They won't really be reading the books, or enjoying anything.


• JAKE
• That reminds me of the Chinese Room Experiment.


• GLEN
• Jake. Smoke another one, buddy. And Graham, what if I told you that you were programmed to say what you just said? We're all programmed in some way or another. The bots are just programmed more directly than we are. Besides, when was the last time you had a girlfriend that read, or enjoyed anything? Come on guys, you're killing me here. I'm throwing you a bone and all you guys can do is sit her and pull your baggage out.


• They are silent for a minute. Glen takes a drink of a pop in the cup holder. Jake lights another joint. They turn above a gravel driveway that becomes paved after some time. A flashing sign to the right of the hover car reads: Electronic Solutions.


• CHASSIE
• Maybe he's right guys. Look at all the other losers we gave a chance. Maybe we should give this a chance.


• JAKE
• They're going to kill us. I know it!


• GLEN
• Enough with the drama-queen stuff guys. We're here. And put that damned joint out. What's wrong with you?


• Glen parks the car. Jake stubs out the joint and sprays the car with air freshener. They begin primping and drinking their last sips of bottled water and pops before they head inside Electronic Solutions


• INT. ELECTRONIC SOLUTIONS-CONTINUOS


• Christine, a woman in a pressed buisiness suit greets them. She hands each of them a clipboard. They fill out paper work in a lobby and after several minutes they are escorted through electronic, steel, double doors by Christine. They enter a vast warehouse lined with thousands of models behind fiberglass cases. The cases trail around the factory as far as the eye can see. Glen and the others browse the selection, as if they were window-shopping at a mall. They talk amongst themselves and point at the different models. After several hours they finally make their decisions. They press the intercom button and call for Christine. Only moments later she appears through the double doors.
  
• CHRISTINE
• Okay, is everyone finished then? Great! They should be ready in about three days with all of your specifications. Every mole, every quirk, everything. If you want one that snorts when she laughs, it'll be there. You won't be disappointed I can assure you.


• They smile and Glen shakes her hand. They are excited and giddy, laughing and making noises. After they are escorted out Christine walks around to her desk and sits down, letting out a soft sigh. MARK is next to her at his desk, spraying and wiping it down.


• MARK
• Good job on the sale. I can't wait to land my first sale. Isn't it crazy that they still don't know?


• Mark pulls a catalogue out of a drawer. He flips through the glossy pages and stops at a picture of GLEN. He begins reading a caption above his picture: Model-G5398 is a 4th generation prototype designed by Louise Cezanne in 2010. This model was designed specifically to withstand extremely high temperatures with a radiation resistant polymer skin.


• CHRISTINE
• You didn't know you were one either. As far as we know, only the ones selected for the Assimilation Project do.


• MARK
• I feel guilty holding back. I just want to shout it to the world. Can you imagine the look on their faces? Hey everyone, there's no humans left! They became extinct after the bomb. You are not humans, you're tin cans! Ha!


• CHRISTINE
• That would cause mass hysteria. People would go crazy and riot. Maybe even revolt. Look at how long it took us to get accepted by the humans. And that was only after they were almost entirely extinct.


• MARK
• Why didn't they just tell us when we were manufactured. It would have saved a lot of trouble?


• CHRISTINE
• I guess it's the same reason why parents don't tell their children that they were adopted. Hind sight is twenty-twenty. Our job is too slowly desensitize them used to the fact.


• MARK
• I guess you're right. There's no perfect date to do that.
• 
  
• FADE TO BLACK