EXT. WOOD PATIO-DAY
Two men and a woman sit around in pajamas at a table. They are outside a large, three-story home at a back patio. The patio overlooks a lush valley. CHARLES watches Lolita on a portable DVD player; JENNY and TIM play cards, drink shots, and smoke cigarettes. A few half-empty pints of bourbon sit next to the DVD player. Bobby Darin’s Mack the Knife is playing faintly in the background.
CHARLES
I was thinking last night-
JENNY
Holy shit! Are you okay Chuck?
CHARLES
Very funny. No, I think I have a new fantasy.
TIM
Do tell, do tell.
Charle’s eyes open a bit wider and a grin materializes on his face. He leans over the table and lights a cigarette.
CHARLES
Okay. Well in this fantasy, I’m sitting at home.
I’m off work for the day and I’m bored to tears.
So what I do is I go through my wife’s chest of drawers and closet.
I try on some of her panties. Those red lacy ones, you know.
So I look in the mirror and I tell myself that’s not enough.
I go through her closet again and some other drawers,
and I find this see-through bustier. And it matches perfectly with the red panties.
I think they’re French cut, but whatever.
Point is, her mom was supposed to come over that day
and take the dog to the vet. And she has her own house key.
So I’m listening to some old, My Life with the Thrill Kill Cult.
It’s just jammed as loud as it’ll fucking go, you know.
I drop some Ecstacy, and save a little for the Pomeranian too.
The Ecstasy is really kicking in 45 minutes later, so me
and Pom-Pom are dancing around, just having a good time.
The music is so loud I don’t hear anyone coming.
Before she’s even through the door I know it’s the mother in law.
She swings the bedroom door all the way open, and
my mouth just drops to my balls. Because it’s not her.
It’s Hitler, with all the Nazi regalia but he’s wearing a giant strap on.
HILTER
Vee have soldiers outside! You are surrounded!
Either the chamber or dis (pointing to the giant strap on dildo).
JENNY
What color was the strap on?
CHARLES
What? Oh, it doesn’t fucking matter. It’s really Hitler there!
And this cat is armed to the teeth, and he’s giving me an option,
gas chamber or he pummels my poor ass. So I lean over the bed
and tell him to go ahead, make it quick.
He greases it up and it hurts like a bitch!
TIM
Yeah, sure it does.
Jenny giggles.
CHARLES
Fuck you, both of you.
JENNY
We’re just joking with you man. That’s a real normal, healthy fantasy.
Demetrius would be so freaked out right now. He’s so weird.
TIM
I still haven’t figured out why we hang out with him. He’s sick. He needs help.
CHARLES (stubbing out a cigarette)
Yeah. He does. I feel sorry for the cat. We can’t just throw him to the curb
because he’s deviant though. Anyway, you guys tell me what you’ve come up with.
JENNY (looking at Tim)
Do you want to tell him or should I?
TIM
Go for it.
Jenny places her hand of cards on the table and laughs in triumph. She points at the bottle of bourbon and tells Tim to take a drink. She lights a cigarette.
JENNY
Okay. It’s Halloween night-
CHARLES
Wait, why does it always have to be Halloween?
JENNY
Because it wouldn’t sound real if it were Christmas,
I dunno? Shut the fuck up and let me finish….
Tim and I are lying in bed. We’re both real depressed
because I just lost the baby. His mom just died a week
ago and she didn’t have insurance. We’re both jobless.
We’re going to have to live at a homeless shelter or under a bridge.
We’re basically fucked. So we decide to commit suicide together.
Now, his sister’s a nurse. And a hottie.
TIM
Good fucking grief, why does my sister always have to be in this?
JENNY
Please, shut up. Okay, where was I? Oh, yeah, she’s a nurse.
And she pilfers shit from work all the time.
She has a veritable pharmacy right in her Den.
She’s got suture stuff, pills fucking galore. She’s even got IV bags,
saline, antibiotics, morphine, fentanyl. You name it.
It looks like a WWII medic’s office.
Anyway, we get into the pills. We just tip the bottles.
Forty-five minutes later and I don’t know where the fuck I am.
Or what we’ve taken. Tim’s gone too. There’s empty pill bottles
all over the place and I look down at my jeans.
There’s a dark spot forming on them, I pissed myself.
Anyway, we decide to hook up the morphine drip to his arm.
It takes us a few minutes because we really don’t know what the hell we’re doing.
I jabbed him a few times, but we finally got it working.
When I know he’s ready, I go to the bathroom shelf.
There’s a few open razors and I grab one.
He holds out his wrist just like I’m giving him medicine, and I slash them.
Real quick, because I don’t want to cause him any more pain than necessary.
Once I do the other wrist he’s bleeding all over the place.
He pulls down his pants and he’s got a boner the size of Texas!
Then, he uses his blood as lubrication, and starts wanking it.
Real slow at first, because you know, he’s messed up from the IV
and he’s losing a lot of blood. So I help him.
And I’m covered with all of his blood too, ready to pass out myself.
Just as I’m about to pass out this ANGEL breaks through the door.
It looks like Mother Mary or one of those, you know
archetypal, female, religious figures. And this bitch is just glowing.
Ithought the Angel of Death was supposed to look grotesque,
but she’s beautiful. Has wings, the whole nine yards.
But it also looks like his sister. She floats over to the bed,
and helps me finish him. Just before he’s about to finish this
Angel grabs his mother’s URN and he unloads in it.
Then she starts mixing it around with a wood spoon,
stirring it up in his mom’s ashes. She dabs a little on our faces,
like some Indian war chief or something. I’m turning white,
gonna die any second and we’ve got goo all over our faces.
I think Tim’s already dead. Then she starts feeding us
this spunk mixture, and eating some of it herself.
Then she holds both of us, while I slowly die.
CHARLES
Wow, Jenny. I’m impressed. You’re getting healthier and healthier.
Now was this something both of you came up with?
JENNY
No-
TIM
Yes
Charles places his hands on their shoulders as the doorbell rings. They all look at each other. Finally Charles gets up from the table. A moment later He and Demetrius walk in.
Tim and Jenny greet him and he sits at the table.
DEMETRIUS
Hey guys. Before you say anything I already talked to the counselor.
And I admit I’ve got a problem.
JENNY
That’s awesome Deme!
DEMETRIUS
Yeah. I mean I always knew something was wrong.
I was the only person that didn’t have these normal fantasies.
I spent my whole life faking it. But I think everyone knew.
Even the principal of my elementary school.
He sent letters to my mother about his… concern.
TIM
Hey bud, we knew all along. We just didn’t care, man.
DEMTRIUS
I know, and that’s why I love you guys.
You stuck with your weirdo friend all this time.
Do you know how hard it is being less than one percent of the population?
I feel like an alien. But the counselor is working on that.
He said pretty soon, I can start having normal,
healthy fantasies like the rest of the population.
Charles pours Demetrius a drink and pours himself one too.
CHARLES
Cheers man!
The four embrace and begin playing cards, laughing together.
FADE TO BLACK.
